Kyoto Bakushu Tanba no Kuromame by Kizakura Shuzo

Well, here we are. My one hundredth article on the site, finally. I vow to never talk about Rob’s copious work output in my reviews after this: Robert William Bright talks to me about the site on our team working app from 6:30am to 11pm, Monday to Sunday. If I’ve ever had any writer’s block, it’s because I’m constantly reminded that whatever I’m doing, Rob is working on the site. I’ve never known a workaholic like him. You owe it to yourself to support our Patreon, because if Rob doesn’t get paid for this, it’ll just be called “exhaustion” when he keels over. If he’s getting paid, we can call it “karoushi” (death by overwork) and maybe get some compensation.

So, what’s on the docket for my celebratory 100th review?

oh

OH

FUCK

Kyoto Bakusu Kyoyasai Tanba no Kuromame is a fucking nightmare beer made with black soy beans (kuromame in Japanese). It’s the product of the deranged inmates at Kizakura Shuzo Maximum Security Prison For The Incurably Homicidal. It’s a 5% vegetable beer, let’s just get that stat out the way.

Kyoto Bakushu Tanba no Kuromame Aroma and Taste

Why, why, why, why, why

You might recognise the bottle design of this- yes, it’s the third in the series of vegetable beers I got from Kizakura. The other two were an aubergine beer (not bad) and a green onion beer (quite bad) (onions). This one, however, wow. This one is a whole new circle of hell. Not one of the cool ones, either, like Lust or Gluttony. A weird, shitty one full of annoying people. Like Heresy. or Limbo.

Kyoto Bakushu Tanba no Kuromame pours out nothing special. It’s mildly hazy, amber in colour, with a big frothy white head. But that’s where the features of a regular, drinkable beer end. It’s all downhill from here.

It smells. AWFUL. Like burnt toast, instant coffee, dried beans. Wait, burnt toast? Oh god, it’s happening, all these terrible beers, I knew they’d be the end of me. GooD bYE frenddddssss

Oh, actually, it really does smell like that, my brain’s fine. Phew! You know a beer’s not going to be good when a positive point in the review is “I thought I was having a stroke but I wasn’t”.

Now wait! It gets worse. We’re done with the sniffing and the smelling, now it’s time for the sipping and the drinking and the quaffing and the gagging. Kyoto Bakushu Tanba no Kuromame tastes appalling. It’s like someone has somehow managed to capture the smell of burnt Listerine. I once saw a boy stick his finger in a car exhaust and eat the contents. I imagine this is how that tastes. Christ on a shitty stick, this is atrocious.

Kyoto Bakushu Tanba no Kuromame The Bottom Line

Move over Miso Korny, there’s a new turd sheriff in town looking to usurp your… crown? Do sheriffs wear crowns?

This is my new Worst Beer of All Time. Absolutely foul. Miso Korny, I finished because it was just so weird. This one, I chucked it after three sips. I hope Kizakura reads this. You have made a fucking disgusting beer. I’m not reviewing any more of your beers. Fuck off.

Where to Buy Kyoto Bakushu Tanba no Kuromame

Kyoto Bakushu Tanba no Kuromame can be bought online at the following places

About the Author

Joe Robson

Pompous elitist and professional space beast Joe lives down by the beach in Shonan. He listens to podcasts almost constantly. He's listening to one now. He bought an Arduino but doesn't know what to do with it. He recently ate a cricket and would do it again. Never give him a Belgian beer. He'll die.

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